What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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