I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
