I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
