When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
