Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
