I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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