How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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