Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
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Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
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When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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