Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
