two words: eviction party
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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