did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
