I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
