a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
