i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
