I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
