Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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