shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
