How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
