Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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