I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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