are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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