apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
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They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
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You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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