Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Randomize
