Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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