all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
