I smell stomach acid.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
