while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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