i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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