love makes seman taste better
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
