I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
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Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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