i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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