awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I AM VODKA MAN
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
