you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
