Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
