My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
