Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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