My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
