you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
