Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
