just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
