So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
