Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
