Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
