I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
