i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
