Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
