Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.