The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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