i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
