Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
