I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
