haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
