I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
