last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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