You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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