The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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