There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
