I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
