Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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