I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
