Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have feelings that need drinking.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
