I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
