Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
