I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I think I am morally bankrupt
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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