she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
